Infertility- The Queen of Heartbreak

3 years ago, we were told the chances of having a baby were very low. So low that we didn’t think it would ever happen.

But, 1.5 years ago, someone was watching over us because a miracle occurred in the form of our beautiful daughter. Knowing how lucky we are to have her, we have loved every second with her. Even the tough nights of no sleep have had that silver lining . I would take no sleep any day, if it means we can have her here.

I had too much confidence and believed that we would be blessed a second time. So far, we haven’t. 9 months of trying and meeting doctors, to find out it will be even harder for us to have a baby this time, has time and again almost pushed us to give up.

Fertility struggles are extremely hard to live with. Every month, every fertility treatment that passes without success causes my heart to break a little more. The endless scans and procedures that occur just to have it fail is more than I can bear some days.

Harder still is being told, “at least you have one child, be grateful for that.”  I find that to be extremely annoying and cold hearted. We know how lucky we are to have our little girl, when so many haven’t achieved that yet. I am forever grateful for the light that is our daughter.

BUT, it does not mean that we are able to just accept that we may never have another. My entire soul aches to give her a brother or sister. I have an amazing relationship with my brothers and I have a constant fear that she will miss out on the joy that siblings can bring to your life.

I’ve learnt that as women we forget how hard it can be on our partners. I was reminded the other day when after another failure, my hubby sat there holding me while I cried, in so much pain physically and emotionally. He looked at me and said, “you don’t know how much it hurts me, to see you suffer like this every month and know I can’t do anything”. I had been so wrapped up in my own pain, that I hadn’t stopped to think about how strong he was being for me, and that inside his heart was breaking.

It reminded me that I am not the only one on this journey, he is there too, suffering quietly while trying to be strong for me. Together we help each other through this journey, holding each other up when we fall, knowing that together we have the strength to walk this path.

Acceptance is the key to getting through the pain, sometimes life just sucks, and things are sometimes out of my control.  I cry and hold my husband and daughter close.  When I feel I’m losing myself I put out the call and my wolf pack comes. I can cry with them, get angry with them and give up with them. I don’t have to be strong, I can fall apart and they are there to pick me up, love me, comfort me and help me find the strength to start the journey again.

It is a long, hard journey with the weight of the world on our shoulders, so finding the people and distractions that help us take each step, makes the load a little lighter and the journey a little easier.

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